I used to be a shyyyyy kid. Like shy and nervous as fuck and was a silent one. It’s like I stopped talking to people at all and lost all communications towards hell and heaven. I was never too good at showing emotions or signs of appreciation cause I used to be busy at day dreaming a lot. People rarely used hear me speak at those time. But it all changed in the future. Here we go.
It all happened when I lost a dear friend of mine who left me when I was still a kid .The reason why games are such a big influence to me is that ‘he’ was the reason to it. He introduced me to a whole new world where I thought I couldn’t fit into. I actually did fit in after many years of building myself and my mind . I lost him in a bike accident and I was in loss of words. All I could do was stare at a dead body who I used to adore, in a hallway right outside the ICU. I couldn’t cry or show any emotions for the first time cause I’m a huge crybaby eyy. Many people would’ve broken down to tears and mourn for the person but there I was just in a shock and holding a portable console in my hand. I turned left the hallway and sat in a corner, telling myself “This isn’t real, this is not happening. No.” Well those words fucked me up for a whole damn two fucking years. I used to be pretty open but right after his death and watching his corpse burnt to crisp, I shut myself from any kind of communication tland became a super introvert, a geek and gained weight. People used to call me the ” Fatass of the batch”. One of my insecurities at that time was being called “fat” .I felt insecure and lost. He was precious to me than my parents. That’s how I used to feel and I really don’t blame anyone. It’s just me and what I did to myself. I used to treat myself bad after his death, I became pessimistic as fuck, trusted no one even my parents, didn’t tried anything new for a start. I really don’t know what happened to me during that phase. I was lame and fucked. I hated being called fat. I had that nick name for five years and still some call me that. It was during that phase when my insecurities used to take over me and I used to get mad at my looks, had to carry a fake smile ,always had to act tough 24/7 infront of everybody. Never had the guts to say whats truly inside me and emotions. I had a crush on a girl for fucking 4 years and never actually got to say how I truely felt cause of that small thing that crossed my mind, “What will the others say about the proposal? They will laugh and make fun of you cause of your stupid decision”. I let myself down so easily just like that. Simply I just couldn’t love myself or express myself in any way. I never shared my feeling with my dad and mom. They really don’t know just how bad half of my childhood was but I didn’t say anything because they we struggling a lot for us and for the family so I didn’t pressure them for I had to grow. I tried cutting my wrist when I was a little kid weu probably cause of how people used to see me, how they treated me and my parent’s love and words started to lose it’s value and was falling apart. But I threw the knife when I had a small belief that even though it’s shit right now, I might get to see something more beautiful and exciting if I live more and start to appreciate the little things in life. I had that small belief.
And that belief turned me into the guy I am right now. I’m happy as fuck and really don’t give a shit about what others say. I started to stand up for myself through working out my body cause I knew how weak it was even though of it’s size. And I really wasn’t real enough with myself to start with. I love my body and I will build myself up. Ain’t nobody gonna stop me for what I’m gonna become. I might be horrible at expressing shits but hey atleast I try. I hide most of my emotions behind my smile cause I guess I’m used to it or express it only when I’m really comfortable with you. That depression kind of thing was swept away like dust when I started to develop through the years of building myself and not letting other’s words to let my self esteem down cause they ain’t you and you ain’t shit like ’em. You see yourself and who you are. As far as I see and have experienced people have more anxiety attacks and go through depression like fuck in this generation . But one thing for sure is that you are not alone and start enjoying youself by bring real to yourself first. No time at regretting cause of your decision for it’s time for learning from your mistakes and stand up.
Sometimes it’s your own mind playing games with you. You just gotta take it and win. You create and find yourself.
“Was I wrong? Brother?”