I let her go!

August 16th!
the last time we talked! I ignored her, for days/months! The reason was I needed a break from all of this for a while! I was too stressed out about college,work of my own,home fights with mom and there she is! I couldn’t give her time,tho sometimes I send her messages in the morning and even called but she was also indeed a busy girl!Got college in the morning,as soon as she comes home she goes off to work and comes back home exhausted and tired! I know right that feeling of pressured she had! But comparatively I had more than just a pressure! I was so mad and angry with myself! I wasn’t feeling myself! We started fighting just because there was no communication between us! I WAS FUCKING DEPRESSED AND SAD AND LONELY!

I stopped talking with everyone, even with her!even if I wanted to talk with her and to tell how much I loved her, I couldnt, I just couldnt! I was being emotionally disturbed! She got angry and told me I dont care for her anymore, but how could I even deny that! I just couldnt tell her! She had her own problems to fix! How could I !

Days passed by, no calls from her or neither I did! A month passed by but still not even a single call or a chat! But even through that, I stalked her everyday in facebook,instagram and other everyway! I had people everywhere to inform about her to me! But…. Still I didnt call her! I made a fucking stupid decision! Am I guilty???

Three months passed by, I started to settle myself and everything began to calm down!

November 17th the day we met!
I planned to give her a surprise visit at her workplace!I saw her outside the door!She was looking gorgeous, I was literally so happy to see her but she didnt saw me!Her appearance was changed of course,highlighted her hair and got even more prettier. But she got called inside and was busy at her work,I left her alone!Still I didnt called nor met her!I just needed the right moment to confront her and tell her I love you!so I waited and waited!! ahh Fuck me,writing this is harder!

December 5
I has final assessments due on the first week or December and my grandma passed away too! I was back to when I was before!!
Them I literally DIED,my hope was on fire!
She was dating another guy and she had it on instagram stories! ohh YES FUCK MY LIFE,I MESSED UP😢

I was numb,I was shocked,I didnt know what to do! She told me once she will never have another chance with anybody else! Now, I knew what she might have felt! I failed her,I failed LOVE! I couldnt sleep from that day! I didnt know how to call her knowing that she is dating another guy! And now I know its all my fault!If i has just called her before!

Iam having anxiety attacks since! I dont know what else to do! December 9 When I was returning back home from the college, I saw her on the way to work with an another guy I dont know! She saw me!! Our eyes crossed! But I was in the bike,She turned back I saw in the mirrors!
I stopped the bike and ran to talk to her! But she was GONE GONE GONE!!! I was too emotional after my grandma’s death and after this bike incident with her! I was totally broke!Cried a lot,gone to depression and blackouts! I purposely went back home at the same time she runs to her work, just because I could see her!! I could have stopped!But despite her decision she had to make, I respect her and wish her a happy life. But I wish I could talk to her just last time in person, I wish!!!Just One call could have stopped this!
Now she is in a new relationship and I know Im fucking idiot! I ruined everything!
I Sign off!
December 21 (3:30 AM)

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